"Yes, the girl was in the midst of an emergency situation—but they should have just called Mary-Kate Olsen!"

This is where I should note that I don’t think that crack video was real. That broad was speaking more coherently on coke, E, valium and rock than I usually do on just latte, and the video was framed way too well to have been shot secretly. Let’s face it: her album’s a year old and she’s got nothing in the can. The mission is to keep her in the headlines by any means necessary.